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And Another…review

'And Another Thing' by Eoin Colfer book coverMy rating of And Another Thing… by Eoin Colfer: 6 / 10
Publisher: Penguin Books

‘Twas inevitable.

I should never have got my hopes up. I know I said I’d be attending Hitchcon 09, but when I finally landed here I also realized that if it took me two hours to go to some place practically next door right here in Guildford, then there was no chance in hell of me finding the venue to Hitchcon in a big city like London. That, and none of the bastards from the Sci-Fi Society at University of Surrey wanted to go there or had even heard of Hitchcon. Utter bastards. Vogons. May they have poetry read to them.

I did wake up early morning on the day of the book release and went to the local Waterstone’s store – at 8am. This was a bit of an overreaction since the shop was scheduled to open at 10am, and to be frank there wasn’t any huge line outside it. Still, as a fanboi I expected Douglas Adams would want at least this much as a sacrifice – if not going to Hitchcon. I got my copy that very day, from WH Smith (Waterstone’s was slightly more expensive).

That was way back in October. You’d have expected me to give a review of the book soon after buying it. I’d expect that too. Curiously however, I didn’t finish reading the book until yesterday. I’ve been trying to brush this off saying “I’ve been too busy”, but now I realize the real reason – I’ve been too scared so far to read it, in case the book wasn’t a worthy successor to the legacy Douglas Adams left behind. Eventually I decided enough was enough and get it over with.

Fans Gather To Celebrate Final Book Of Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy
Eoin Colfer, with people who turned up for Hitchcon

This authorized sequel to Douglas Adams’s Hitchhiker’s series is written by Eoin (pronounced ‘Owen’) Colfer, best known for is Artemis Fowl books. Damn, this introduction must have been used SO many times by so many people when describing this book. And therein lies the crux of the matter – whenever a book (or movie) has to resort to saying “…also written by this author”, it usually translates to ‘recipe for disaster’. This is despite the fact that I’ve heard a lot of praise for the Artemis books (I’ve never read them).

Eoin Colfer at Manchester Literature Festival
Image by visitmanchester via Flickr

And Another Thing… is not a bad book per se. Colfer puts in his best effort, but I agree with this review on io9 that it seems he’s “trying much too hard and also not quite trying hard enough”. When I look back at the time I spent yesterday reading the book, there was only one instance when I laughed-out-loud (“Focus, President Steatopygic. Focus.”). One. I did force a chuckle now and then but then that’s precisely how all the jokes feel – forced. Most of the jokes are done via the medium of half-hearted footnote-style ‘Guide notes’, about what the Guide would have to say on certain topics. What happens is that very quickly, this style of joke becomes monotonous. “It’s funny”, you realize in an almost clinical way, but then it doesn’t surprise you like the real Douglas Adams did. As I mentioned earlier, reading Douglas Adams is a bit like falling in love.

Colfer plays it safe throughout the book. He doesn’t introduce any major new characters, concepts or locations; drawing instead on the various colourful people and locales DNA cooked up. In this regard, Eoin borrows from the radio series at places in the novel too. Whatever new bits he’s introduced are the bare minimum required to keep the story ticking. I can guess that this was done not to tick off ardent fans of DNA, but then for a lot of us that is what defined Adams’s work – quirky, unusual characters and each page brimming with caustic wit. On a more general note, the humour doesn’t always work because it’s ‘typically British’. I’ll speak more about this in the future in an epic blog post I’m penning down, tentatively titled Surely You Jest, Good Sir to discuss British catchphrases and their sense of humour.

There are passages in the book which seem as if it’s Adams’s work channelled via Colfer as the medium, but those are few and far between. I also expected some sort of fusion between Hitchhiker’s and Dirk Gently storylines, given the amount of focus Thor has received in this book – that certainly would have been a bold move to make – but that was not to be.

I won’t say And Another Thing… is a disaster, but it serves as a reminder that nobody can step into the shoes of the literary genius that was Douglas Noel Adams. Read it for the sake of entirety of the series…but it will probably leave you with a feeling of emptiness.

PS – I miss Marvin! I miss Zem, the mattress!

PPS – “Resistance is useless!”

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A hollow shell of a body

'Avatar' (2009) movie posterMy rating of Avatar: C+ (Flawed but worthy)
Directed by: James Cameron
Cast: Sam Worthington, Zoe Saldana, Sigourney Weaver, Stephen Lang, Michelle Rodriguez
Studio: 20th Century Fox

Avatar wins hands-down as the costliest and most-anticipated movie of 2009 by a long shot; whether it becomes a winner at the Oscars is another question. Mostly due to the all-out publicity that the Fox put behind it, the movie has been hyped beyond proportions. Releasing it close to Christmas without any other strong movies around helps too.

One of the main draws of the movie is being able to watch it in 3D. So far, most movies available in 3D have been cutesy animated movies; Beowulf being a notable exception. Still, the draw of ‘photo-realistic animation’ in Avatar in 3D has been its major selling points. It’s the reason why I decided to go watch it.

….and the movie fails on all counts except for the visual effects department. The quality of CGI is so superb that it feels like all the rendered characters are real. This can be partly attributed to the fact that they used updated motion capture technology to capture the performance of real actors – but that’s been done before by the likes of Robert Zemeckis in Beowulf and Gore Verbinski in Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy. No, Avatar isn’t quite like previous attempts. This time James Cameron has succeeded in putting together something truly revolutionary. Especially when you watch it 3D with the new RealD projection systems, it appears as if you are actually in the middle of epic battle scenes.

Avatar Japanese premiere in Tokyo
A bit like an older, douchebaggier looking Tom Hanks

But the battle scenes are only epic because of the visual effects (and the feeling of actually being there), not because the story is good. The story can be summed up by precisely what’s in the trailer – nothing more, nothing less. That’s how shallow this movie’s story is. Here, you can find out the whole movie’s story right now.

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Watch the trailer for Avatar here

James Cameron merely hopes the eye-popping visual effects are going to distract you from the fact that there isn’t much of a story, and whatever’s left is stolen from previous works such as Dances With The Wolves (this fact was used to parody Avatar in the South Park episode Dances With Smurfs). “We’re not in Kansas any more”? Jeez, do you need to even steal dialogue from other movies now, Cameron? At the core of the story are these jungle cats with boobs on a planet called Pandora (name probably chosen for ‘irony’, referring to Greek mythology) who must be killed to remove them from fields of Unobtanium. Sam Worthington once again takes on the role of a humanoid spy. In order to ‘make a political statement’, James Cameron makes the jungles cats ‘live in harmony with nature’. So they’ve an equivalent of Mother Earth bullshit on their planet – a spirit known as the Eywa. Those pussies control animals – such as horses and dragons – by sticking their own bit into the animal’s bit, jungle cat becoming the master and the animal the slave. Yeah, it actually is as retarded as it sounds.

Avatar is the sort of movie that Michael Bay would have made if got the sort of budget that James Cameron got. Except…it seems that Michael Bay stuck his bit into James Cameron’s bit, and then Cameron became submissive to Bay’s will. No other explanation is forthcoming as to why Cameron keeps such tight shots of Michelle Rodriguez’s boobs / ass – and I might remind you, dear reader, that this movie was shown in 3D.

Cast member Michelle Rodriguez attends the premiere of the film Avatar in Los Angeles
Now imagine watching this in 3D

You know what’s the worst bit about the story? The bloody Ewoks take down human military gunships and helicopters with nothing other than bows and arrows. A more embarrassing or ludicrous ending has never been shown on the big screen since the Ewoks previously took down the Evil Empire in Star Wars. Goddamn you, Ewoks!

Avatar has been hailed for making strong statements about protecting the environment and imperialism. But wait, according to the premise of the movie, this is set far in the future – probably in a time when energy sources are scarce on Earth. A mission of this scale would mean trillions of dollars of investment on Earth, and a lot of humanity’s hope for survival would rest on its success. I think given the context, being wishy-washy about cutting down a few trees on some other planet is the last thing humans should be concerned about.

The kind of motion capture, 3D and animation rendering technology developed for this movie is truly outstanding. Even weak points in motion capture – such as facial expressions, which looked faked in earlier movies that used this technology – have been ironed out in Avatar. Hope for movies in the future that put better use to all this technology.