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And Another…review

'And Another Thing' by Eoin Colfer book coverMy rating of And Another Thing… by Eoin Colfer: 6 / 10
Publisher: Penguin Books

‘Twas inevitable.

I should never have got my hopes up. I know I said I’d be attending Hitchcon 09, but when I finally landed here I also realized that if it took me two hours to go to some place practically next door right here in Guildford, then there was no chance in hell of me finding the venue to Hitchcon in a big city like London. That, and none of the bastards from the Sci-Fi Society at University of Surrey wanted to go there or had even heard of Hitchcon. Utter bastards. Vogons. May they have poetry read to them.

I did wake up early morning on the day of the book release and went to the local Waterstone’s store – at 8am. This was a bit of an overreaction since the shop was scheduled to open at 10am, and to be frank there wasn’t any huge line outside it. Still, as a fanboi I expected Douglas Adams would want at least this much as a sacrifice – if not going to Hitchcon. I got my copy that very day, from WH Smith (Waterstone’s was slightly more expensive).

That was way back in October. You’d have expected me to give a review of the book soon after buying it. I’d expect that too. Curiously however, I didn’t finish reading the book until yesterday. I’ve been trying to brush this off saying “I’ve been too busy”, but now I realize the real reason – I’ve been too scared so far to read it, in case the book wasn’t a worthy successor to the legacy Douglas Adams left behind. Eventually I decided enough was enough and get it over with.

Fans Gather To Celebrate Final Book Of Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy
Eoin Colfer, with people who turned up for Hitchcon

This authorized sequel to Douglas Adams’s Hitchhiker’s series is written by Eoin (pronounced ‘Owen’) Colfer, best known for is Artemis Fowl books. Damn, this introduction must have been used SO many times by so many people when describing this book. And therein lies the crux of the matter – whenever a book (or movie) has to resort to saying “…also written by this author”, it usually translates to ‘recipe for disaster’. This is despite the fact that I’ve heard a lot of praise for the Artemis books (I’ve never read them).

Eoin Colfer at Manchester Literature Festival
Image by visitmanchester via Flickr

And Another Thing… is not a bad book per se. Colfer puts in his best effort, but I agree with this review on io9 that it seems he’s “trying much too hard and also not quite trying hard enough”. When I look back at the time I spent yesterday reading the book, there was only one instance when I laughed-out-loud (“Focus, President Steatopygic. Focus.”). One. I did force a chuckle now and then but then that’s precisely how all the jokes feel – forced. Most of the jokes are done via the medium of half-hearted footnote-style ‘Guide notes’, about what the Guide would have to say on certain topics. What happens is that very quickly, this style of joke becomes monotonous. “It’s funny”, you realize in an almost clinical way, but then it doesn’t surprise you like the real Douglas Adams did. As I mentioned earlier, reading Douglas Adams is a bit like falling in love.

Colfer plays it safe throughout the book. He doesn’t introduce any major new characters, concepts or locations; drawing instead on the various colourful people and locales DNA cooked up. In this regard, Eoin borrows from the radio series at places in the novel too. Whatever new bits he’s introduced are the bare minimum required to keep the story ticking. I can guess that this was done not to tick off ardent fans of DNA, but then for a lot of us that is what defined Adams’s work – quirky, unusual characters and each page brimming with caustic wit. On a more general note, the humour doesn’t always work because it’s ‘typically British’. I’ll speak more about this in the future in an epic blog post I’m penning down, tentatively titled Surely You Jest, Good Sir to discuss British catchphrases and their sense of humour.

There are passages in the book which seem as if it’s Adams’s work channelled via Colfer as the medium, but those are few and far between. I also expected some sort of fusion between Hitchhiker’s and Dirk Gently storylines, given the amount of focus Thor has received in this book – that certainly would have been a bold move to make – but that was not to be.

I won’t say And Another Thing… is a disaster, but it serves as a reminder that nobody can step into the shoes of the literary genius that was Douglas Noel Adams. Read it for the sake of entirety of the series…but it will probably leave you with a feeling of emptiness.

PS – I miss Marvin! I miss Zem, the mattress!

PPS – “Resistance is useless!”

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2 States – The story of a miserable book

A note to my new readers from UK: This is the first in the long line of posts that you’ll face over the next few years which you’ll probably not ‘get’, because they’ll make more sense to an Indian reader. Do not be disheartened, brave reader. Go discuss the weather with your mates or pay homage to the Queen, and come back a few days later.

If you still want to soldier on, I suggest you find out about people who read lulz ntn odr dan ncert buks n chetan bahgat novels”.

From chetanblocks.com. Doesn't quite have the right Impact, does it?

If you’ve been living under a rock (read ‘not on Twitter’), then you might have missed the brouhaha over #chetanblocks. Chetan Bhagat was in his period and he went all cranky by blocking people on Twitter. (It started off with a discussion about his books being pirated.) Hilarity ensued as everyone picked up on this made jokes about ‘the new kid on the block’. Chetan Bhagat then wrote a whole blog post split into 140-character sentences and posted it on his Twitter profile. Apparently, he hasn’t heard of his own blog.

Anyway. Moving on to his latest book, 2 States – The Story of My Marriage. I was relieved that being in the UK now would mean that I would no longer have to read his books. Surely Amazon – or any other sensible book retailer – wouldn’t bother to ship his trash this far? Oh bollocks, never mind. I weep for humanity.

So when someone I follow on Twitter mentioned that she had an ebook of his latest book, I couldn’t help pissing off Chetan Bhagat by including him in this piracy-involving conversation to exchange the ebook. Yes, I have a goal in life now – get blocked by Chetan Bhagat on Twitter before I die.

My rating of 2 States by Chetan Bhagat: 0.01 / 10
Publisher: Rupa Underwear & Co
Cost: Priceless Worthless

This book supposedly picks up from where Five Point Someone left. There are nudge-nudge-wink-wink references to ‘being involved with an IIT professor’s daughter’, ‘wearing his shirt’, ‘missing academic records’, ‘disciplinary issues’ and whatnot. Um, so why exactly has the protagonist’s name changed from Hari to Krish? Was the earlier name not superhero-ic enough for Chetan Bhagat, just in case this book got made into a movie? Or does he not read his own books. Surely IIT professors’ daughters getting fucked by people from the institution can’t be that common, bundled with all the shenanigans in the first book.

As I mentioned in my Chetan Bhagat plot generator, any story needs to have a ‘strong’ female character; said biatch being defined as someone who doesn’t cover her face and make chapattis all day. This fact is established in the story by having lead female protagonist Ananya pick up a fight with the hostel caterers at IIM Ahmedabad. And picking up fights at restaurant as to why beer wasn’t on the menu. And eating chicken despite being a ‘Tam Bram, or Tamil Brahmin’. OH NOEZ!!1 In Chetan Bhagat land, she surely must be a succubus.

Chetan’s favourite plot device is ‘tuitions’. How should we make the story progress by making Krish and Ananya hook up? Why, he’ll give her tuitions of course. (Hint – notice any similarities with his previous book?) Initially they are just ‘fraands’ when BAM POOF BOOM they start having sex. HOLY SHITZ!!1 she also wears shorts! In the process, the ones who get the worst of it are pillows. Yes folks, pillows. I’ve lost count of how many times they ‘throw a pillow’ each other. They graduate from IIM-A and get a job in Chennai.

The monotonous part of the book is that it is composed entirely of dialogue between two characters, with filler material from racially stereotypical characters. In the oh-so-many pages leading up to their eventual wedding, we are subjected to Hindu-reading mustachioed South Indian father, marble-loving Punjabi mother, drinking coffee at ‘Barsaat‘, bad South Indian food in Chennai, almost getting arrested by a cop, obnoxiously rude relatives you’d never find in real life (who refer to people in their face as ‘gori Madrasin‘).

How does Krish try to win the approval of Ananya’s family? By giving ‘IIT tuitions’ to her younger brother of course. If only more people in our country gave each tuitions we’d have solved, at the very least, hunger and poverty. We even have the groom Krish catching an autorickshaw and running away in the middle of his wedding while wearing Mickey Mouse underwear visible through a ‘translucent lungi‘. True story. Also, when their kids are born Krish, Ananya and the medial staff are surprised by the fact that she’s given birth to twins. The conclusion that we can draw from this is that India got cellphones even before it had medical ultrasound facilities, made scarier by the fact that an ultrasound was not performed before a C-section. No wonder infant mortality rate is high in India.

"Tango team to Alpha - mofos drinking rasam at 11 o' clock"

But here’s the thing – I don’t think the novel refers to enough ‘Indian problems’. Compared to his earlier work, which “reflects the ethos and pathos of an entire generation this book is filled with characters whose lives are strangely uneventful. At least at the climax of the book – during the wedding – you’d expect terrorists to hijack the wedding, and then get beaten to death by John McClane (who had been invited by Krish via email), but because McClane would yelp “Yipee-ki-yay motherfucker” when punching the bad guys the ‘Tamil family sensitivities’ Ananya’s family would have been offended and the wedding would have been called off. While at it, Chetan Bhagat should also added a monologues from random characters about the Indian Board exams, the lack of easy access to drinking water in villages, and how unfunny Navjot Singh Sidhu’s jokes are. Just saying. The book should be more realistic.

Bhagat labours metaphor after metaphor and joke after joke throughout the book. “Certificates from top US universities adorned the walls like tiger heads in a hunter’s home.” “…as much fun as wailing babies on a crowded train”. And humour. Don’t get me started on the humour.

“And some water, please,” I said to the waiter.
“Still or sparkling, sir?” the waiter said.
“Whatever you had a bath with this morning,” Krish said.
“Sir?” the waiter said, taken aback, “tap water, sir.”
“Same, get me that,” I said.
“I have told them of course. They don’t agree,” Ananya said…[referring to her parents and getting married to Krish]

See? Out of nowhere BAM POOF BAM joke. It’s almost as if Bhagat paced furiously around his room during the second edit of his manuscript going, “Shit, two pages of dialogue and no joke yet? [wail] HOW will my readers stay focussed and enjoy my novel?!”

party girls

Sneak peek: Weapons of mass distraction that Chetan Bhagat plans to use in his next novel, in place of jokes

Creative Commons License photo credit: Slow Brook

Considering that his book(s) almost entirely consist of dialogue, I also find it extremely irritating to have him remind us in every line of the dialogue as to who’s saying what a la ‘Krish said’, ‘waiter said’ and so on. But I guess necessary given the juvenile level of most of Bhagat’s Orkutard readership.

I shall now leave and play Portal.