Tag: Movies

My rating of 2012: C- (Disappointing)
Cast: John Cusack, Amanda Peet, Oliver Platt, Danny Glover, People from Mowther Rosshia
Directed by: Roland ‘Douchebag’ Emmerich
Studio: Sony ‘motherfucking‘ Pictures / Columbia TriStar

Anything by Roland Emmerich is worth watching because you can poke fun at the guy once the movie is over. Be it ‘uploading viruses’ in Independence Day or running away from condensation in The Day After Tomorrow. 2012 is a movie which spent $199 million of its $200 million budget on special effects, leaving $1 million to hire cast. Too bad no money was left to pay scriptwriters, so the script was left lying outside Sony Pictures offices until random hobos filled up the pages.

I know I rant about this every time I watch a movie funded by Sony Pictures, but honestly, this really gets my goat. I’ll write this in all caps. STOP PUTTING SONY VAIO LAPTOPS IN EVERY SCENE YOU CAN GODDAMMIT!!!

So what have we? I’m sure you’ve all seen the trailer for 2012 with cities sinking, buildings feeling woozy, drag races involving limousines and earthquake cracks. This movie is a true gem of scientific accuracy. I know about artistic license, but man, try to meet us halfway.

The velocity of temperature is increasing…

At 2.5 hours, the movie is way too long. Which obviously means falling back to techno-sounding bullshit (like above) and introducing characters from Mowther Rosshia sobbing about the price of vodka.

Advice: watch it with a few friends poking fun at the movie. It’s the only way to survive the crashing waves of preposterous ‘storyline’.

My rating of Jennifer’s Body: D+ (Poor Effort)
Cast: Megan Fox, Nobody Else Worth Giving A Crap About
Directed by: Karyn Kusama. Yes, that same bitch who made that awfully boring movie Aeon Flux.
Studio: 20th Century Fox. I bet that common last name is why they greenlit this project.

Those who have thought that this movie would be a good watch by just looking at the trailer are sorely mistaken. The day I saw the trailer, with the cheesy “I go both ways” line, I knew this was going to be massive pile of road accident. I wasn’t sorely mistaken, but I still made the mistake of watching this movie. Consider this a scientific control experiment from my end to ensure that my trailer-gauging abilities are fine-tuned.

The ironic thing is that even with Megan Fox in the movie, you won’t enjoy watching it. It’s not quite downright boring, but it has way too much ham acting – and to be perfectly honest – a crap script to go anywhere. Considering that Juno‘s Diablo Cody wrote the story it’s no wonder that this movie has been made into a feminist propaganda movie, and a bad one at that (unlike some movies of that sort which are actually good). If you want cheesy bitchy witchy movies, you’re better of watching The Craft or something. (At least that one was entertaining.)

Watch the trailer for Jennifer’s Body

In a single sentence, I could sum up Jennifer’s Body as a script that was written by a bunch of feminists after a night of too much drinking, with lots of “Oh oh, and this would be, like, such an awesome idea too…”