The Not-So Mysterious Adventures of the Chandigarh Boffins

Hi folks, first post of the Nu Ear. Bit late, pre-Boreds going on. Nothing much to write home about. Wouldn’t normally have written a post at this point of time, but then, I came across this absolutely weird news item the other day, that I had to share it. It’s about The Boffins of Chandigarh Police, who apparently caught a Much-Wanted Criminal using ‘GPS and Google Earth’ (that’s what the n’paper said).

• Mr Much-Wanted Criminal was somewhere in Jharkhand, The Boffins got to know from a tip-off.
• Since the computer they bought a few years back was making downcast moaning noises, the Boffins decided to fire up Google Earth, and check out the location of the place in the tip-off.
• The Boffins decide to track him down using his cellphone. They tell the cell company to send promotional messages every half-an-hour. Given the frequency at which the suckers ACTUALLY send messages, I’m sure Mr Much-Wanted Criminal never suspected anything amiss.
• Using data gathered using strength of signal from the cell, and the tower which was communicating with it, the cellco tells the Boffins where Mr Much-Wanted Criminal is.
• Boffins think this sorta tracking is far out – since one of them accidentally watched CSI when he was in his chaddis, they decide to call this ‘GPS tracking’; for equally moronical journos to pick up.
• By gathering data on the rate at which Mr Much-Wanted Criminal’s cell was switching towers, they found that he was travelling at a speed of ‘somewhere between 40 to 45 km per hour’. No kidding, honestly. They decide that Mr Much-Wanted Criminal is travelling by a truck.
• The Boffins call a doctor, and use search engines to find out the time period before which the average human being needs to attend the call of nature / eat makke ki roti / drink lassi. Since Mr Much-Wanted Criminal was suspected for a bomb-blast, I wonder how he qualifies as an ‘average human being’.
• The Boffins calculate the place where Mr Much-Wanted Criminal will stop at for the above activities using the time period they found out, and the speed at which Mr Much-Wanted Criminal is travelling. Note that Google Earth was open all the time during this period.
• Feeling smug, The Boffins tell Jharkhand police which dhaba to reach. Sure ’nuff, Mr Much-Wanted Criminal arrives there like clockwork, and finds pot-bellied, moustachioed men with handcuffs instead of the usual chotu.

‘Tis true, the above story, absolutely true. Pick up the goddamn newspaper if you don’t believe me. My point is not to mock The Boffins, in fact, I was pretty impressed that a police force in India could pull it off. Especially given that Delhi (“Bhith You, Phor You, Alwayj” – to be spoken in a Haryanvi accent) / Mumbai police are considered to be tech-savvy. Apart from the faux pas over ‘GPS tracking’, that was some slick detective work. Kudos to The Boffins, and the men who keep us protected. I’m sure this more humorous version of the news article will spread their fame far and wide.

I also wonder whether Mr Much-Wanted Criminal had registered with the National Do Not Call Registry. If he had, I’m sure he can sure the telecom company for getting him into prison…