Categories
Technology

The Not-So Mysterious Adventures of the Chandigarh Boffins

Hi folks, first post of the Nu Ear. Bit late, pre-Boreds going on. Nothing much to write home about. Wouldn’t normally have written a post at this point of time, but then, I came across this absolutely weird news item the other day, that I had to share it. It’s about The Boffins of Chandigarh Police, who apparently caught a Much-Wanted Criminal using ‘GPS and Google Earth’ (that’s what the n’paper said).

The Case of Much-Wanted Criminal and the Boffins of Chandigarh Police
  • Mr Much-Wanted Criminal was somewhere in Jharkhand, The Boffins got to know from a tip-off.
  • Since the computer they bought a few years back was making downcast moaning noises, the Boffins decided to fire up Google Earth, and check out the location of the place in the tip-off.
  • The Boffins decide to track him down using his cellphone. They tell the cell company to send promotional messages every half-an-hour. Given the frequency at which the suckers ACTUALLY send messages, I’m sure Mr Much-Wanted Criminal never suspected anything amiss.
  • Using data gathered using strength of signal from the cell, and the tower which was communicating with it, the cellco tells the Boffins where Mr Much-Wanted Criminal is.
  • Boffins think this sorta tracking is far out – since one of them accidentally watched CSI when he was in his chaddis, they decide to call this ‘GPS tracking’; for equally moronical journos to pick up.
  • By gathering data on the rate at which Mr Much-Wanted Criminal’s cell was switching towers, they found that he was travelling at a speed of ‘somewhere between 40 to 45 km per hour’. No kidding, honestly. They decide that Mr Much-Wanted Criminal is travelling by a truck.
  • The Boffins call a doctor, and use search engines to find out the time period before which the average human being needs to attend the call of nature / eat makke ki roti / drink lassi. Since Mr Much-Wanted Criminal was suspected for a bomb-blast, I wonder how he qualifies as an ‘average human being’.
  • The Boffins calculate the place where Mr Much-Wanted Criminal will stop at for the above activities using the time period they found out, and the speed at which Mr Much-Wanted Criminal is travelling. Note that Google Earth was open all the time during this period.
  • Feeling smug, The Boffins tell Jharkhand police which dhaba to reach. Sure ’nuff, Mr Much-Wanted Criminal arrives there like clockwork, and finds pot-bellied, moustachioed men with handcuffs instead of the usual chotu.

‘Tis true, the above story, absolutely true. Pick up the goddamn newspaper if you don’t believe me. My point is not to mock The Boffins, in fact, I was pretty impressed that a police force in India could pull it off. Especially given that Delhi (“Bhith You, Phor You, Alwayj” – to be spoken in a Haryanvi accent) / Mumbai police are considered to be tech-savvy. Apart from the faux pas over ‘GPS tracking’, that was some slick detective work. Kudos to The Boffins, and the men who keep us protected. I’m sure this more humorous version of the news article will spread their fame far and wide.

I also wonder whether Mr Much-Wanted Criminal had registered with the National Do Not Call Registry. If he had, I’m sure he can sure the telecom company for getting him into prison…

Categories
Personal Reflections

Pastafarianism

The Board datesheet came out recently; and I understand that times like these are VERY stressful for students. Moreover, even the pre Boards are around the corner. At times like these, people speak spiritual guidance. However, I feel that current setups don’t really address real life issues. Thus, I introduce you to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and it’s religion, Pastafarianism.

Michaelangelo's Spaghedeity
Pastafarianism is a religion which believes in the existence of a great Spaghedeity, an invisible and undetectable being with His Holy Noodly Appendages. It talks of how the Earth was created by his Noodliness after a bout of heavy drinking (which is the reason why the word faces some itsy-bitsy troubles today).

The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster then goes on to speak of the condiments commandments of the religion which we’re supposed to follow, known as The Eight “I’d Really Rather You Didn’ts”:

  1. I’d really rather you didn’t act like a sanctimonious holier-than-thou ass when describing my noodly goodness. If some people don’t believe in me, that’s okay. Really, I’m not that vain. Besides, this isn’t about them so don’t change the subject.
  2. I’d really rather you didn’t use my existence as a means to oppress, subjugate, punish, eviscerate, and/or, you know, be mean to others. I don’t require sacrifices, and purity is for drinking water, not people.
  3. I’d really rather you didn’t judge people for the way they look, or how they dress, or the way they talk, or, well, just play nice, Okay? Oh, and get this into your thick heads: woman = person. man = person. Samey = Samey. One is not better than the other, unless we’re talking about fashion and I’m sorry, but I gave that to women and some guys who know the difference between teal and fuchsia.
  4. I’d really rather you didn’t indulge in conduct that offends yourself, or your willing, consenting partner of legal age AND mental maturity. As for anyone who might object, I think the expression is go fuck yourself, unless they find that offensive in which case they can turn off the TV for once and go for a walk for a change.
  5. I’d really rather you didn’t challenge the bigoted, misogynistic, hateful ideas of others on an empty stomach. Eat, then go after the bitches.
  6. I’d really rather you didn’t build multi million-dollar churches / temples / mosques / shrines to my noodly goodness when the money could be better spent (take your pick):
    1. Ending poverty
    2. Curing diseases
    3. Living in peace, loving with passion, and lowering the cost of cable.

    I might be a complex-carbohydrate omniscient being, but I enjoy the simple things in life. I ought to know. I AM the creator.

  7. I’d really rather you didn’t go around telling people I talk to you. You’re not that interesting. Get over yourself. And I told you to love your fellow man, can’t you take a hint?
  8. I’d really rather you didn’t do unto others as you would have them do unto you if you are into, um, stuff that uses a lot of leather / lubricant / Las Vegas. If the other person is into it, however (pursuant to #4), then have at it, take pictures, and for the love of Mike, wear a CONDOM! Honestly, it’s a piece of rubber. If I didn’t want it to feel good when you did it I would have added spikes, or something.

As you can see, the Condiments, er, Commandments are very serious and practical in nature as to how you should handle stress and all. There’s a lot to be learnt from Him, that’s what I end with. RAmen.