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Don’t They Ask Rhetorical Questions On News Channels?

Something I don’t understand about news channels in India is why on EARTH do they ask rhetorical questions. By ‘news channels’, I mean English news channels because it has been scientifically proven by now that the Hindi ones are run by spirit-possessed retards. And even when I saw ‘English news channel’, I mean Times Now and CNN-IBN. Headlines Today never shows news and seems to be in perpetual advertisement break whenever I switch to it, showing their stupid ‘We’re refreshingly different retarded’ ads; and NDTV 24×7 with its garish colors looks more like a pr0n channel, coupled with shoddy reporters.

Compared to everyone else, CNN-IBN and Times Now are quite sensible. Comparatively, that is. For instance, what is the need to have a 30-second video clip looping over and over again for a four-minute news article? Makes my head spin. Admit it, that you’ve no footage, and move on.

Coming the questions themselves, which are so mind-bogglingly stupid and rhetorical. Following are actual questions which the studio anchors asked their reporters (or reporters asking people), followed by the answers I’d have given to those retards if it was me who was asked such silly questions:

Anchor (after Jaipur blasts – may the victims rest in peace): Now this is the first time a major terrorist incident has occurred, do you think the more security forces will be posted in public places?
Reply:
No. They’ll all be busy protecting the IPL cheerleaders from being hit by (water bottle) missiles.

Reporter (to an obviously frightened small kid who was there at a blast site): How do you feel about it?
Reply: Great! Blood, mayhem all around, seems right out of 300. Any idea which movie is being shot here?

Reporter (to Joy Bhattacharya, advisor on the Kolkata Knight Riders team – he’s an amazing quizmaster too): How do you feel that your team is on a winning streak?
Reply: I’m highly disappointed with the outcome. I had bet a lot of money into our team losing, because conducting quizzes hardly pays anything. Ruddy bastards, they keep winning. Maybe I should try and get Shoaib beat up Ganguly with his bat…

See what I mean? Utterly ridiculous interviews. Try seeing one on BBC or CNN. OK, BBC, not CNN, because the latter is after all, an American television network.

Douglas Adams wrote in The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy:

Ford Prefect had discovered that human beings had this habit of stating the obvious. He conjectured that if a human stops talking, their brains would start working…

May not be the exact quote, but that was the gist of it. Nicely illustrated by a scene from one of the later episodes:

Arthur Dent: Zaphod, it seems like you’ve fallen down a 30-foot hole.
Ford Prefect: Arthur, I think he knows that.

Oh well, hope normality is restored soon.

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Personal Reflections Reviews

RIP Douglas Noel Adams

Douglas Adams at the American Atheists\' interview (black and white image)

May 11th 2001. A day when the world lost one of the greatest writers ever. Yes. It’s the day Douglas Noel Adams (aka DNA) died of a heart attack, age 49. He might not have been Infinitely Prolonged like Wowbagger, but he certainly achieved immortality through his creative works which have gone on to influence so many new generation writers like Neil Gaiman and Samit Basu. His nuggets of wisdom shine on. RAmen.

Wretched, isn’t it?

– Marvin the Paranoid Android

Coming to his works themselves, one of their best characteristics (for me) is that apart from their stupendously funny take on the Whole Sort Of General Mish Mash, they are all inconsistent with each other. Now that’s generally considered to be a bad thing, with everyone from Harry Potter fans to Lord of the Rings fans crying about ‘discrepancies’. For The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy however, it is this same inconsistency that makes it more fun. It has been made into so MANY avatars that if they were all kept the same, it would become a tad boring. And ‘a tad boring’ is EXACTLY what Douglas Adams wasn’t.

Getting a movie made in Hollywood is like trying to grill a steak by having a succession of people coming into the room and breathing on it.

– Douglas Adams, on getting a movie made in Hollywood. After all, the h2g2 movie spent so many years in development hell!

Some stuff you might not have known about Douglas Adams:

  • Douglas Adams was an atheist, a ‘radical atheist’ according to him. He said he used to be an agnostic earlier, but after reading The Blind Watchmaker and The Selfish Gene by Richard Dawkins, he made God vanish in a puff of logic. Richard Dawkins is a biologist well-known for his support of the theory of evolution and atheism. Read his books – they really ARE quite good. Apart from the two mentioned earlier, another nice book by him is The God Delusion. Richard Dawkins was a good friend of DNA, and it was through Adams that Dawkins met his future wife (thanks to Ashwan for pointing out an error in this one!). Richard Dawkins was also a speaker at one of the first Douglas Adams Memorial Lectures. Fans of South Park would also have noticed Dawkins in the episodes Go God Go and Go God Go XII. Note to self: I *must* attend THAT at least once in my life. Think of it as my Mecca.
  • Douglas Adams was also quite interested with music. He played the guitar, left-handed, and had quite a collection of left-handed guitars. Dave Gilmour of Pink Floyd was his good friends. In fact, Pink Floyd even let Douglas Adams play with them at one of their concerts – as a ‘birthday gift’ on his 42nd birthday. In the h2g2 book series, the band Disaster Area was based on Pink Floyd (because of their extravagant concerts). Also, Michael Nesmith of the band The Monkees was also a good friend of DNA, and was supposed to be the producer of the h2g2 movie (initially).
  • Douglas Adams was a big fan of Apple. He is said to be the first guy to buy a Mac in England, with Stephen Fry (the ‘voice of the Hitchhiker’s Guide’) being the second person to buy a Mac. There’s a veiled attack at Microsoft (“overhyped bloatware”), in the Quandary Phase when Ford Prefect (referring to Sirius Cybernetics Corporation) says:

    You know how I hate those smug Sirius Cybernetics salesmen, who sell computer operating systems which crash more often than aircars built on the Friday shift.

  • ‘Ford Prefect’ is actually the name of a car, released in England in 1970s. In the h2g2 movie, Mos Def is shown trying to shake hands with a car (he thought “cars were the dominant life-form on this planet”) – that car is an actual Ford Prefect.
  • DNA was a big environmentalist too. He supported Diane Fossey’s Gorilla Fund, and also the ‘Save The Rhino’ campaign. He even dressed up once as a rhino to raise awareness for this cause.
  • h2g2‘ is an actual user-edited encylopedia. One of the first, in fact.
  • Although he died in 2001, DNA appears in the 2005 Tertiary Phase radio series of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy made by BBC. He plays the character of Agrajag, who claims that he gets killed in all his incarnations by Arthur Dent. This was done by digitally editing a recording Douglas Adams made for an audiobook of h2g2. His first words as Agrajag in the radio series were: “Bet you weren’t expecting to see ME again, were you?”. He also makes a cameo appearance in the last ever episode, again as an incarnation of Agrajag (who, again, gets killed because of Arthur Dent).
  • Other ‘quirky’ appearances in the h2g2 radio series include:
    • Christian Slater (remember that guy from John Woo’s Broken Arrow?), as Wonko the Sane. He was a good actor, and I thought he’d been crushed under a truck in Alabama before hearing him on the radio series.
    • Bruce Hyman, the producer of the new BBC h2g2 radio series, makes a cameo as a dying Arthur Phillip Deodat – again, an incarnation of Agrajag.
    • Fred Trueman and Henry Blofeld, BBC cricket commentators also appear as themselves in the Tertiary phase – in two episodes. And boy are they funny in the second episode of the Tertiary phase as commentators at an Ashes match at Lord’s. “Fred my dear old thing, what on EARTH is that?”. Indeed. The second appearance is a cameo explaining the rules of Brockian Ultra Cricket.
    • Sir Patrick Moore, British astronomer comes in the Quintessential Phase, talking of “high-level talks between Xaxisian diplomats and some iguanas”.
    • Geoffrey Perkins, producer of the first two radio series’, makes an appearance in the Quandary Phase as Arthur Dent’s boss at BBC. Yes, Arthur Dent works at BBC.

Douglas Adams playing at a Pink Floyd concert

May he rest in peace. It’s only this year I’m writing about this because I finally feel that I’ve spread a good level of awareness among peers in my school (and others too) – and that was needed because otherwise this post would have been lost to the audience. Sure, it took a bit of over-the-top promotion of forty two, but I did get the point across. I think.