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The Mott The Hoople monopoly

I went back to the ‘flea pit’ at the start of this week to watch Shutter Island. I have resigned by now to the fact that there won’t be an intermission, so grudgingly stock up on snacks and drinks accordingly. To prepare fully, I’ve even bookmarked runpee.com on my cellphone. (It tells you the most ‘optimum moments’ to run and pee during a film, in case nature calls. Gives you a summary of what you’ll miss at that point.) Odeon has recently started offering candy floss too, and it reminded me of childhood days.

It all began with the customary advertisement overload of course. This Nissan ‘giant paintball’ commercial stood out from the rest. Not as good as this other commercial from Nissan, which might possibly be the best car commercial ever. 😉

That was followed by trailers for upcoming films. I had a moment of enlightenment during that. You know how James Brown‘s I Feel Good has to be used in a montage sequence in any movie billed as a family movie? When the trailer for Cemetery Junction was shown, I couldn’t help but notice how Mott The Hoople‘s All The Young Dudes is almost always used in any movie trailer that is a) set in rural/semi-suburban areas b) quite probably an indie movie c) ultimately, has a feel-good plot. Do moviemakers get a discount coupon if they agree to use the same song for trailers multiple times?

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Gritty reboots seem to be the order of the day. Who knew that a bumbling fool à la Robin Hood would get a gritty reboot too, with hotheaded Russell Crowe portraying the lead? I mean, come on. This feels more like Gladiator (and the story too) rather than a legend Mel Brooks could have even thought of lampooning. The movie will be exciting though – with Ridley Scott directing!

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One of my greatest dreads when I go to the cinema is encountering tall people. I hate having to spend close to two hours craning my neck to see past the tall dude in the seat in front of me. Another of my greatest dreads is that people in neighbouring seats will be of the variety which can’t stop talking.

The gods were particularly cruel to me that, for I had a tall bloke with spiky hair blocking my vision. What took the biscuit as far as annoying neighbours go was an annoying group that was sitting a few seats away. There was one guy in this group who was translating the whole frikkin’ movie from English to Arabic (or some similar language), loudly at that. Really, they should’ve stayed at home and caught the DVD (with Arabic subtitles) when it was released.

My rating of Shutter Island: 8.5 / 10
Directed by: Martin Scorsese
Cast: Leonardo DiCaprio, Mark Ruffalo, Ben Kingsley, Michelle Williams, Emily Mortimer
Studio: Paramount Pictures

Reviews of Shutter Island have universally been saying that while it’s a good movie, it’s not a great movie – coming from Martin Scorsese. This ‘lazy’ story is being attributed to Martin Scorsese.

While agree with the diagnosis, I don’t agree with the verdict that it makes the movie worse. Why does every suspense need to be in-your-face with tightly shot action sequences? Shutter Island works and needs that slow pacing because it’s a psychological thriller.

After watching the movie, I read Dennis Lehane’s novel version on which the movie is based. Turns out that the movie is an exact reproduction of the novel – down to every line of dialogue. Some changes have been made in the [spoiler] hallucinations that Leonardo DiCaprio has, but apart from that it sticks faithfully to its source material. In that situation, it’s a case of you like the plot – or you don’t. Nothing to do with how Martin Scorsese has done or not.

And boy what a psychological thriller it is! Shutter Island may not reach the iconic levels that Fight Club did, but if you enjoyed watching Fight Club, you’ll surely find this a good movie too.

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Of puns regarding ‘paradise falls’

My rating of Legion: 3 / 10
Cast: Paul Bettany, Lucas Black, Dennis Quaid, Tyrese Gibson, Adrianne Palicki
Directed by: Scott Charles Stewart
Studio: Screen Gems / Sony

Here’s Legion reviewed in one word – “laughable”.

If you insist on more words than one, then I should clarify that it isn’t a comedy movie – but that it takes itself so seriously with such a ridiculous premise that you can help but laughing.

I really feel sorry for Dennis Quaid. From The Day After Tomorrow to GI Joe: Rise of the Cobra, directors keep forgetting to tell him that the movie he’s acting in isn’t one that any sane person is going to take seriously. Dennis Quaid (with stubble) keeps on putting a heavy hand onto some young guys shoulders, stares him straight in the eye, and explains how the young guy must get out of hellhole / fix a car / wear condoms for safer sex / wear GI Joe costume at all times.

So what goes on? God has lost faith in humanity, and sends his angels to wipe humankind out. Enter Paul Bettany, an angel who fills in the role of a Terminator-type character. (He had to act in this movie because the producers didn’t have enough money to hire Arnie.) Our friendly Terminator-guy must save an unborn baby who’d become ‘the leader of the resistance’. This involves the mom and Lucas Black protecting the baby until it grows old enough to lead the resistance. Seriously God, are you kidding me? With an army of angels, you need more than a fucking decade to wipe out humankind? Guess you aren’t that omnipotent after all.

Here's an illustration of what the sane moviegoer's reaction should be to the plot. If you don't have this reaction, there's a strong possibility that you might be...Michael Bay.

The mother of the unborn baby, of course, works in a diner in the middle of nowhere (somewhere close to Los Angeles though) – with the customary no cellphone reception / payphones not working / God disconnected the landlords phone scenario. I tell you – the day USA gets 100% cellphone coverage, a whole crop of ‘enjoyable’ Hollywood movies are going to go out of business. (Although I’m sure they’ll work around that saying ‘cellphone battery’s dead’.) So you have Terminator-guy fighting angle with bulletproof wings, evil babies, and a demented ice cream man. This, in a sentence, sums up all that God could muster to kill someone he totally didn’t want born. Way to go, God. (Note – I didn’t make any of that up.)

By the way, what’s with humankind-saving children being born to waitresses around the Los Angeles area? This, surely, cannot be a coincidence?

I believe a majority of the budget allocated for this movie was used for that freakishly awesome grandma scene from the trailer from this movie.

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Again, a movie that tries to be so bad that it’s good (like Snakes On A Plane), and fails at doing so. Look kids, don’t try this at home. Making a bad movie which is unintentionally takes a lot of skill. Leave it to the pros.

On the bright note, the sleazeball Sony executives didn’t shove their Sony product placement down our throat in this movie. I half expected Gabriel and those other angels to receive orders via text message on a Sony Ericsson phone while Paul Bettany played out simulations of how to defend himself against the attack on a Sony PSP. (God, of course, would’ve been keeping a close watch on the situation on a Sony Vaio laptop.)