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Not an iota of doubt

To recover from the spectacularly bad writing of Chetan Bhagat, I went back to reading Douglas Adams’s Salmon of Doubt. Once again. By now I have lost count of the number of times I have read DNA’s works. My only regret so far is I that I could never read through his book Last Chance To See – also what he has often said is his most favourite work out of all the ones that he has written. I’m pathologically incapable of appreciating flora and fauna unless there’s accompany dialogue with colourful words. By that I mean a select few Tintin comics of course. All this environmental crap brings images of unwashed hippies to my mind (and more often that not they do fit that description). Douglas Adams is an honourable exception of course, despite the fact that he (partly) climbed Mount Kilimanjaro in a rhino suit that smelled of sweat and Dettol (his words, not mine).

But I digress. American publishers have this curious fascination tagging on subtitles to any and every book to entice readers; probably, they’d have wanted to stick tearaway brochures with scantily clad women praising the book but then that might cost too much. The tagline for Salmon of Doubt is Hitchhiking the Galaxy One Last Time, which contributes to the eerie sense of finality: “This is it. This is the last Douglas Adams work ever to published”.

The Salmon of Doubt book coverAt various points of time, Salmon of Doubt was supposed to be a Dirk Gently novel, a Hitchhiker’s novel, and then a standalone novel but on similar lines to the previous two series’. He was notorious with his publisher for he “loved deadlines, and the whooshing sound they made as they went by”. Tragically, Douglas Adams reached the dead-line in his life way too early than anyone who knew him wanted. And with that, so did the hopes of further gems from this brilliant man.

Soon after his, work started on releasing the Salmon of Doubt even in the unfinished state it was in. This book contains eleven chapters of that unfinished novel, which in the current working stage was a Dirk Gently novel – but DNA stated in interviews that he wanted to use the ideas in the novel for something else. Documents salvaged from his computer were stitched together to make these eleven chapters. Varied ‘versions’ were edited together by Peter Guzzardi, an editor who had worked with DNA.

The rest of the book consists of various speeches, newspaper / magazine articles, interviews, website postings, et al that Douglas made in the years leading up to his death. The book is divided into three sections – Life, containing some short snippets on his thoughts on the world around him; the Universe, a section almost completely devoted to his writings on technology and religion; and Everything, the section which has the unfinished novel along with supplementary material / interviews where DNA spoke on which direction he wanted to take the novel in.

For most readers who haven’t looked beyond his works, The Salmon of Doubt is a huge revelation about what the man was like. Biographical and autobiographical anecdotes from his early life and what he really went through on his road to stardom. His well-reasoned – and totally Apple-worshipping – love for new gadgets and technology. His passionate appeals to save various endangered species. His logically thought out speeches on why religion came to be what it is, and how we should be careful about not ‘throwing out the baby with the bath water’ when trying to replace religious practices with atheism because of their practical uses.

The Salmon of Doubt is a glimpse into the world of a man who realized that common sense presented a lot of answers or potential answers to almost any sort of problem. His trademark style of humour – intellectual, witty and so many other adjectives brims in each and every article. Most of the articles included are from a time when Adams was past the h2g2 / Dirk Gently novel stage and had moved on to endless book signings and lecture tours, so it’s as if you’re getting to a know a different person while at the same time feeling as if this was your best friend in some past life.

Stephen Fry (one of Douglas Adams’s close friends), in the foreword to this book, says:

I advance this is a theory. Douglas’s work…It’s like falling in love. When an especially peachy Adams turn of phrase or epithet enters the eye and penetrates the brain you want to tap the shoulder of the nearest stranger and share it. The stranger might laugh and seem to enjoy the writing, but you hug to yourself the thought that they didn’t quite understand its force and quality the way you do – just as your friends (thank heavens) don’t also fall in love with the person you are going on an on about to them.

That is precisely what DNA’s work makes most fans think like, once you come to truly appreciate them. (At least, that’s the case with me!) The simple fact that his jokes are not “Yo Mama” jokes but ones which require those little grey cells to understand and chuckle about is what makes DNA’s work special – and it is what makes the reader feel special. I already mentioned an excerpt from Douglas Adams’s first Dirk Gently book in an earlier blog post which I found especially funny. Here’s another excerpt from the same book which had me howling with laughter:

“…There are certain events in the past, I’m afraid, from which I would wish to disassociate myself.”
“Absolutely, I know how you feel. Most of the fourteenth century, for instance, was pretty grim,” agreed Reg earnestly.
Dirk was about to correct the misapprehension, but thought that it might be somewhat of a long trek and left it.

I’ve often actually found myself doing what Stephen Fry describes, when some particular turn of events reminds me of something that Douglas Adams wrote about such situations; I end up calling friends randomly from my phonebook. Some of them do get the joke, but not quite. After all, if you randomly called some person whom you haven’t spoken for some time, just because in some movie you saw some cop shouting “Freeze!” to a criminal, and went, “Hey! What’s up? Oh, BTW, Marvin said ‘Freeze? I’m not a refrigerator'” immediately followed by 10 minutes of non-stop laughter then I’m sure my friends have the right to feel thoroughly confused. (I know I don’t make much sense in the last sentence.)

(Note to the ones with whom this has happened: my sincerest apologies. Nah, I’m kidding. I’ve no remorse at all for what I’ve done.)

It doesn’t end with his written works. Depending on whether you are a fan or not a fan, the Hitchhiker’s movie will be the best movie ever or the worst movie ever, or if you fall in the middle ground which gets *some* of jokes then you might chuckle a bit but really not get what the big deal is about. I admit, that if hadn’t read the Hitchhiker’s books then I probably wouldn’t have enjoyed the movie on its own. What’s ‘wrong’ with the movie, as many have pointed out, is that it feels as if the novel is being read out by someone rather than a movie screenplay. Whether this what DNA intended or the later scriptwriter (Karey Kirkpatrick) being overcautious after DNA’s death about not deviating too much from Hitchhiker’s is immaterial to me. All that matters is that Douglas Adams wanted every version of h2g2 to contradict the other and thus made the changes from the novels / radio series.

People allege the movie didn’t do that well in the box office; that may well be true but h2g2 fans around the globe made it a success anyway. Roger Ebert correctly called the Hitchhiker’s movie a lovesick puppy – you can either take time to take it under your wings, learn to understand it and come to love it, or you can let it be. Most people let it be. You folks are missing out on something truly magical. (Yes, I do suggest reading the h2g2 books, at least the first one, before you embark on watching the movie.) No matter what others say, I find the movie thoroughly enjoying and it has immense re-watch value, just as you can read his novels as many times as you want without ever getting bored.

And Another Thing book coverA sixth Hitchhiker’s Guide novel has been commissioned by Jane Belson, Douglas Adams’s widow. DNA admitted that Mostly Harmless (the fifth and final book in the h2g2 trilogy) was a terribly bleak book and that he wanted to write another novel to end the series on an upbeat note. Taking that idea forward, this sixth and (now) final book – titled And Another Thing… will be written by Eoin Colfer, best-known for his Artemis Fowl series. (The title comes from a joke in the fourth h2g2 book.) When I first heard about this my first reaction was outrage (“How dare they think anyone can live up to Douglas Adams’s reputation! He. Was. Douglas. Adams.”) and followed by measured scepticism after I had calmed down (“I’ll give Eoin Colfer a chance, but he better not screw it up”). Turns out that Eoin Colfer went through pretty much the same emotions, and was quite apprehensive himself whether he would be able to do the job. Time will tell what happens.

So there is not an iota of doubt in my mind that when And Another Thing hits the bookstores on 11th October 2009, I will be attending Hitchcon 09 where Eoin Colfer has a book-signing session too. And any other events by ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha – the official h2g2 appreciation society. Not an iota of doubting that I will be tweeting the galaxy

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The third mistake of my life

My rating of The 3 Mistakes Of My Life by Chetan Bhagat: 2.4 / 10
Publisher: Rupa & Co
Price: Rs 95

Much as I would have liked the irony in awarding this book a 5.something rating, I can’t bring myself to do it. Simply ain’t ethical to give this a rating higher than what I have given currently. Five Point Someone was still bearable because it was, in a sense, a ‘path-breaking novel’ that brought about a flood of me-too alumni genre novels. (There was The Inscrutable Americans before that, but Jajau doesn’t really count.) By the time I read One Night @ The Call Centre I was suitably disgusted. “Never again”, I swore, “shall I read a book so transparently a Bollywood script rather than a novel.”

Alas. Visiting your relatives at a place with no contact with civilization makes you take stupid decisions. (Yeah, this place does have dial-up, but then we know that doesn’t count, right?) You walk into a bookstore to stock up on books to read during the forthcoming trip, the guy at the counter pulls a these-are-not-the-droids-you’re-looking-for Jedi mind trick on you…and you find yourself walking out from the bookstore dazed and wondering why you have bought a Chetan Bhagat novel. Since we’re talking of stupid decisions, let me list down the three mistakes of my life:

  1. Reading Five Point Someone
  2. Reading One Night @ The Call Centre
  3. Reading The 3 Mistakes Of My Life

Today, kids, I’ll focus on the third mistake. You pick up the book and read the blurb on the back cover:

Based on real events, from the bestselling author of…comes another dark, witty tale about modern India, where God Chetan Bhagat brings out the ethos and isolation of an entire generation to the fore.

‘Dark, witty tale’? ‘Brings out ethos…of an entire generation’? Could this be an old wine in a new bottle, and possibly a wrong bottle at that? Or had Chetan Bhagat truly penned some masterpiece? Obviously not the latter, since a year has passed and nobody has called it so. I knew I should’ve never read this book. Goddamn Jedi mind trick.

I opened to read the acknowledgments, which Bhagat for some reason keeps in the beginning. That’s still okay, because although it’s not the norm yet some other authors do do the same. I read the first line (in acknowledgments), and I froze in terror:

My readers, you that is, to whom I owe all my success and motivation. My life belongs to you now, and serving you is the most meaningful thing I can do with my life.

If there was ever a less veiled threat that said, “By God, I’ll write many more shitty novels in the years to come”, then I confess that I’m the Invisible Pink Unicorn. You know what image this line brought to my mind? It’s this one:

Aniche smoker warning[image courtesy aniche]

Okay, so Chetan Bhagat doesn’t thank Messrs Bill Gates, Microsoft Word, Little Squiggly Lines Indicating Grammar-Spelling Mistakes & Co as he did in his first book. FPS started with a bang. (I mean, there’s a word for that kind of a start where you mention some part in the middle and then go to the beginning but the exact term for it escapes me for the moment. Like, you know it was there in Mission Impossible 3 too? Maybe one of you artsy-fartsy types can tell me what that kind of a start is called.) One Night @ The Call Center had a start that might be cooked up. The way 3 Mistakes begins definitely makes you feel that it was cooked up. Nitpicking here, but come on, it’s fair game once the blurb says ‘based on real events’ right? The first chapter starts with an email sent to Bhagat from a guy with an email address [email protected]. Quick, I need to dash off to gmail.com to sign up for a Gmail address with an underscore in it. Seems that they’re giving those away now too. Dude seriously, if you need to anonymize or make up stuff, you’d have been better off with [email protected]. Anyway, this guy pops a load of sleeping pills to kill himself, shoots off a mail to Chetan Bhagat who eventually tracks him down through the good offices of an IIM Ahmedabad professor who took excessive interest in Chetan’s college love life, then Chetan practically gets his boss fired, dashes off to Ahmedabad and starts listening to this guy’s story in a hospital.

The 3 Mistakes of My Life book coverThe plot is extremely simple (the guy, who is one of the protagonist, in the hospital is recounted it to Bhagat) and set in (old) city of Ahmedabad. There are these three cricket crazy dudes who start a sports goods store, get mildly good at it, try opening a shop in a mall which tears down during the Bhuj earthquake. Then they find a Muslim kid who’s like, the fucking Neo of cricket (he can see balls whiz in slow-motion), and through him end up in Australia. When they come back, the guy in the hospital – let’s call him Govind – starts fucking (literally, you know) his best friend’s sister under the guise of giving her maths tuitions. Hilarity ensues…until one thing leads to another and the post-Godhra violence is sparked off. That’s about it.

Throughout, Chetan Bhagat goes overboard trying to tell us “This story is set in Gujarat”. So the characters are always eating khakras, dhoklas, theplas and whatnot – even when they’re in Australia! Every frickin’ alternate page you find someone eating a khakra. Right, and I’m a Bong who eats aloo poshto with shorshe bata maach all day. Doesn’t matter that I’m a vegetarian and I could’ve my individual choices, eh? If this book was a Hollywood movie then there would be Russian henchmen sobbing about how vodka is so much costlier in ‘Mowther Rosshia’ these days, while ineffectively holding someone hostage for ‘beelyons’ of dollars before Harrison Ford sucker-punches them in the face.

Behold that steely gaze
Behold that steely gaze

There are places, however, where the book does shine. A bit, mind you, not a lot. These are mostly the politics / religion related ones, especially the ones associated with the Ayodhya and Godhra issue. This is the sort of stuff that if this book had focussed on more would have made it a great read. Probably though, Chetan Bhagat avoids going to deep to avoid any controversy and end up alienating readers. This shows in how he refers to Congress and BJP as ‘the secular party’ and ‘the Hindu party’ respectively. Maybe he was simply trying to avoid libel suits from pissed off politicians or trying not to get his book banned.

Apart from khakras, every page is a nightmare full of the worst and most stereotypical clichés that you can think up on anything. “Oh look, this book can double up as an Aussie slang dictionary too!” is what the marketing guys forgot to add to the blurb. When our chumps head Down South every dialogue must, of course, be filled with Aussie slang in every line followed by parenthetical inserts explaining what was just said. Rest of everything follows the formula in his previous novels.

Chetan Bhagat Plot Generator

  1. Three guys – The Cool Guy (rich), The Idiot (poor), The Analytical Guy.
  2. ‘Firecracker of a daughter-in-law’ (Bhagat’s words) to play the love interest of The Analytical Guy. She’ll be confident and outgoing, and present much psychological fodder for emo thought bubbles emanating from the guy’s head.
  3. Some ‘Indian’ problems. A few cows chewing cud, conservative society, riots, blah blah.
  4. ???
  5. Hilarity ensues

Neither the author nor the publishers mind the fact that the books are populist trash. To give you a sense of how wildly popular this book was, within a year of its publication The 3 Mistakes of My Life is in its 48th reprint. (Even The Inscrutable Americans, published so many years back, is only in its 42nd reprint.) Another line from this book’s acknowledgments states

My publishers Rupa and Co, who have fulfilled all my dreams and continue to pursue the goal of making India read.

Now, Chetan Bhagat obviously isn’t a dumb guy if he’s survived as an investment banker for so many years, although investment bankers are probably not considered very bright these days after the market crash last year. Still, he is most definitely an intelligent guy. The problem with his novels is that he has this fascination for Bollywood which means he always ends up writing Bollywood scripts instead of stories. Incredibly childish stories, which only Orkutards who write “lulz ntn odr dan ncert buks n chetan bahgat novels” in the ‘books’ field will like. Seems that Bhagat very consciously writes down to the level of that audience. Maybe if Chetan Bhagat throws in a few pages of colouring, connect-the-dots, and a few spelling exercises in his next novel it will work wonders for those Orkutards. Anything to stop the spread of SMS lingo and oRKuT cAsE if dear ol’ chap can ‘make India read’.

How much Bollywoodization of the plot was there in this novel? No calls from The Alpha and The Omega, but there was one scene where a mob tries to kill a Muslim boy and the leader of the mob is killed by getting whacked on the head by cricket balls smashed in his direction by said boy with a bat, a bat that he can hold astonishingly even after his wrist muscles are torn to shreds by trishul jabs. Dear Mr Chetan Bhagat, please don’t set your sights lower – on Bollywood. Please get in touch with Michael Bay. I’m sure he’ll love to meet a like-minded writer for his future screenwriting projects.

I need to recover from the traumatic experience of reading this book. Time to read some Douglas Adams works.

Originally posted at Youthpad.